


I Knew Not What I Had

by KliqzAngel



Series: Make Me Want You.  Want You to Make Me. [5]
Category: Leverage RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anger, Angst, BDSM, Dark fic, Dom/sub, M/M, Self Destructive Tendancies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-20 22:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6028366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KliqzAngel/pseuds/KliqzAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Rage</p>
<p>The fall out is hard to take when the bottom is closer than you realized.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Knew Not What I Had

**Author's Note:**

> This series will be darker than what I usually write. All but one story came out in first person POV, which I don’t write much so I hope it came out alright. This is for an old prompt challenge over at Jared Chris on Livejournal.
> 
> This was written by someone (me) without experience in this type of relationship. I did do research, and speak with friends who do have experience in this world. I tried my best to be true to this type of relationship and not get too far out over my skis. I do understand abuse and BDSM are NOT the same thing. I tried very hard to make sure that while both are discussed in this series along with self destructive tendencies, that there was a difference.
> 
> Please no throwing stones. I won't enjoy it, and the series is old enough it won't change anything.

I hate you. How dare you.

How dare you forbid me! How dare you leave me like this, then you try to take them from me? Who do you think you are!? 

And then you take it? You take what is MINE! IT’S MINE! IT’S MINE I EARNED IT AND I WANT IT BACK!

GIVE IT TO ME!

My hands swing and the lamp shatters. That sniveling coward that was here is gone. HE was weak. He was weak like you. He wasn’t giving me what I want. He can’t give me what I want.

I’m not sure at this point I can even remember that the reason for that is, because what I want, what I need is you. I don’t remember what I want isn’t always what I need, isn’t always what is best for me. I don’t remember that was the reason I went to you to begin with, to decide for me, to take care of me when I couldn’t do it for myself.

I don’t remember I love you. I don’t remember I can’t breathe without you. 

I only remember the hate. 

And I don’t think that’s even real.

My house is in shambles, but I don’t care. I can feel it in me still. I thought It was all free, but it just keeps coming. The rage, the need, the anger, the pain… the bad pain won’t go away. The kind of pain that cripples me, t he kind of pain that locks me away until I can’t see anything but darkness around me.

I can’t even think anymore. It’s the rage, it’s an all consuming anger that’s taken over me and I can’t think about anything but you.

 

Even in my anger that hasn’t changed.

 

I can’t see that I’ve lost everything. I can’t see that my inability to trust and be patient has robbed me of the very thing I need to survive. I can’t see my rage is really at me.

I punch, I break, I bleed, I scream, I destroy. 

I cry, I weep, I sob.

I lose.

I fall to the floor and curl into a ball clutching my knees to my chest. I break, I shatter.

I cease to exist.

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of several older fics that I have decided to post to AO3. They've resided for years on my personal archive, but I am thinking of getting rid of it. I want to make sure some of them are posted here. So, if you think you read this or some others I am posting over the next few days somewhere before... you probably have. They were also posted on LiveJournal.


End file.
